With today’s announcement 6/1/2021 of four head coaches for the USFL and one failed varsity coach, it came to my attention that the USFL ranking needs some sort of update. There was quite a big ad on Collin Cowherd today announcing three of the head coaches from the South Division and one from the North. The USFL still has four coaches to name, and one of them would be Gene Chizik.
– USFL (@USFL) January 6, 2022
With Kevin Sumlin headed to the Houston Gamblers, Mike Riley to the Philadelphia Stars, Todd Haley to the Tampa Bay Bandits, and Bart Andrus to the New York Generals, the USFL has a solid mix of coaches. Enough chatting about logistics, you came looking for CERTIFIED GARAGE RANKS, so let’s go.
USFL Power Rankings Update: First USFL Coaches Announced
# 8 Birmingham Stallions
Previous row # 8 (no change)
That’s right, I hold Gene Chizik in such low esteem that he doesn’t even blow a team from last to last. This guy is a joke and the only way he was successful is because of Cam Newton and I will stand by him. This man doesn’t bring anything to the table at all, and I don’t think he really cares about the game. The fact that he’s even spread worries me about the USFL. I cannot stress enough how much I despise this man.
He’s an outdated coach who was fortunate enough to become the greatest college football player of all time in Auburn and has been rolling ever since. Coaching Gene Cheesedick is like working in customer service at Walmart. We don’t want to be there and all we do all day is yell insults at people. The Stallions are in a good position because every game becomes a home game for them so that’s cool, but if they weren’t already ranked last I would have them there now because of how much I can’t stand this. talkative jester.
# 7 New Orleans Breakers
Previous row # 7 (no change)
This is hardly a change from the previous ranking. There were rumors that Bart Andrus would go to the Breakers, which would have them climb the totem pole of the USFL. However, as it is, they are still near the bottom in my opinion. It’s viable to change based on who they hire and which players they get. Remember, these power rankings are my opinion and while my opinion is all that matters, it is likely to change drastically with new information.
# 6 Pittsburgh Maulers
Previous row # 6 (no change)
Another no-change scenario based on nothing happening. I’m interested to see who Pittsburgh is hiring and I have some ideas on who it should be (Ahem Jonathan Hayes please), but until the Maulers do a higher they stay in the middle of my ranking. .
# 5 Tampa Bay Bandits
Previous row # 3 (-2 places)
The first real change on the list. I’ve heard people say good things about Todd Haley and I’m not one of them. From everything I can understand the guy seems to be the biggest shower canoe to come down the asshole river. He seemed to be doing nothing other than playing politics on Hard Knocks, and I don’t think a lot of players like the guy. It brings a potentially interesting offensive. His addition brings the Bandits down from the top three in my previous ranking to 2 places to number 5. Haley is one of the less inspiring coaches the USFL has brought without the name “Gene Chizik”.
Todd Haley: Calling the draw in fourth place and has been racing in the playoffs for almost a decade now. pic.twitter.com/d8OTFHF0Cd
– Will Brinson (@WillBrinson) Jan. 14, 2018
# 4 Houston players
Previous row n ° 4 (no change)
I’ll be honest, I forgot that Kevin Sumlin was even hired by the Houston Gamblers. This is how bland this rental is. He was a perfectly average to terrible college football coach whose last stop left a very sour taste in many people’s mouths. The man would have the nose for the offense, but I think this is mostly based on extreme talent in QB for a few years (Johnny Manziel Texas A&M and Kahlil Tate Arizona). He doesn’t really seem like a strong candidate if I’m being honest. I love that he is a household name in college football that could draw attention to the league, but the reason he is known makes me hesitate and worry about who missed the opportunity.
Kevin Sumlin, by all accounts, is a mid-hire that makes a mid-ranking for the Houston Gamblers who I’m STILL not done having the Gamblers name while being in a state that hasn’t legalized sports gambling. I think that even spending so long thinking about Kevin Sumlin actively made me a more boring and bad person. Thank you very much, Kev (may I call you Kev? Because that would push you up my rankings).
Arizona head coach Kevin Sumlin leaves the field after falling to 0-2 against ASU during his tenure. pic.twitter.com/mwyC8sehIN
– Carson Field (@CarsonDField) December 1, 2019
# 3 New Jersey Generals
Previous row # 4 (+1 place)
Now I know what you might be thinking. “Jim, aren’t you a fan of Nebraska?” How can you get Mike Riley such a high rating? While that’s true, and I hate Mike for what he’s done to my Huskers, I have to admit that his background as a spring football coach is actually pretty decent. His time with the San Antonio commanders in the AAF was actually quite well spent before the league closed. The team were fun, had a winning mentality and had good entry. Not to mention all the victories he has had north of the border in the CFL. I think a warm personality in the USFL might be nice to compensate for other potential coaches they might bring in.
I think Mike has a problem with eyeing talent. However, luckily for him in this league, there is a draft and the team should have a whole squad of people not named Mike Riley to store the team. In a professional setting, his nice schtick could work a little better. Especially since the players don’t have to see the coach as an authority figure and can instead look at him as a colleague with whom they just have to have dinner (this is what coaches and players do on weekends. -end, I still guess). I will trust Mike Riley once again. Hopefully I get CFL, AAF or even XFL Mike Riley and non Nebraska Mike Riley who made me want to walk straight down a traffic freeway.
# 2 Michigan Panthers
Previous row # 1 (-1 place)
My favorite team? Yes. The best logo in the game? Also yes. Do they have a head coach? Sadly not yet, and until they do, they can’t be the number 1 team in the XFL Jim USFL Power Rankings. They should sit comfortably in their place in the second place. Without a word on who will coach the Panthers and the USFL by naming several other coaches, it was going to be difficult for them to stay at the top.
# 1 Philadelphia Stars
Previous row # 5 (+4 places)
How the hell do you want me to not rank an XFL head coach number 1 here. Bart Andrus was Coach 9 of the XFL, but that isn’t where his coaching resume ends. Just a quick glimpse into his coaching history, this guy exudes experience. He has coached in so many different leagues that he can be considered a football slut that I love to see. He won in NFL Europe and brings the legendary XFL mentality. But let me not talk for a moment about his training, and let me talk about the fact that this man, Bart Andrus, looks like the kind of man who will send you to sleep with the fish. Bart Andrus is the guy you call when nothing else is working, the man you call to DO SHIT AND DO NOW.
Bart Andrus’s nickname is going to be the cleaner and he’s going to clean up the USFL. Andrus is the guy who will buy the sky and get you high by winning a bunch of games (I’ll give myself a 6, I docked for rhyming high with high). So far, he is the only coach the USFL has hired to have the #Garagecertified seal of approval. Good rental stars and always a solid grocery store logo.
RT to welcome our Head Coach, Bart Andrus! pic.twitter.com/W3R5HvFYqq
– Philadelphia Stars (@USFLStars) January 6, 2022
Overall, I think I like the hires from the USFL. Even though I don’t like Chizik or Sumlin, these are names people recognize. I think it’s a simple and effective way to bring attention to the league. Todd Haley is an interesting character that makes me wonder who turned down the job if he was the only one left. At least he brings some NFL experience and maybe he’ll make some drama.
Mike Riley brings experience and a beautiful face to what many will likely think of as the flagship team in this league. I think his spring experience in football is a nice addition that will help too. And honestly, I can’t wait to bet on the Generals (depending on the player). Bart Andrus is going to take this league by the short hair and show them how a good ol ‘XFL boy does spring football. The man is an XFL legend for garage sake. Overall I’m happy and excited for the next USFL coaches we see (Jonathan Hayes or Winston Moss PLEASE !!!) The USFL is shaping up to be a very exciting league for sure. .